CROYDON, ENGLAND -- Filtr8 Ltd, a leading producer of office water purification and filtration units, is a veritable hotbed of rumour-mongering and tittle-tattle, workers breathlessly revealed yesterday.
The company, which employs 80 people and is based in Croydon, supplies drinking water solutions to over a thousand local businesses. It also provides its employees with an ideal forum for innuendo, covert character assassination and poorly researched supposition.
“This place is unbelievable,” new Sales manager Jane Brockley (33) whispered, ushering our reporter into her corner office and swiftly drawing the blinds. “On my first day, I casually mentioned to (Credit Controller) Bob (Sanders) that I used to do ballet when I was at school, and by the end of the week people were coming up to me congratulating me for being in Swan Lake at the Albert Hall, or asking if it was true that I had once been a podium dancer in a Madonna video.”
Brockley cited the office break room as the chief location for scandal and hearsay. Bedecked with two deluxe three-gallon Filtr8 plastic filtration dispensers and a marvellous replica Venetian fountain depicting tousle-haired cherubs widdling pure Filtr8 sanitised H2O, the break room is a cosy haven, perfectly suited to the unsolicited deconstruction of absent colleagues’ private affairs.
It was here that Brockley was first entrusted with juicy titbits of office gossip, such as married Marketing Director Siobhan Kelly’s ill-advised sexual transgression with warehouse foreman Dan Bradley after the office party, Finance manager Colin Langley’s crippling gambling debts and Managing Director Brian Swinton’s latent homosexuality.
Despite being initially excited by the clandestine information-sharing and idle speculation, Brockley says she soon tired of the constant back-biting and, in particular, her colleagues’ insatiable appetite for celebrity exclusives.
“I like a natter over a cup of coffee as much as the next person, but it was getting to the point where my team were more interested in Kelly Brook’s latest bikini wax than they were in shifting bloody water filters, and that’s not exactly a good way to run a business.”
“The girls in the PR team seem to know about every Paris Hilton shopping trip, David Beckham hairdo and soap plotline even before they appear in Heat magazine,” Brockley went on sadly. “I used to really like Emmerdale, but seeing as I’d known about Ollie’s violent accident in the threshing machine for a month and a half, it kind of reduced the dramatic impact.”
When asked to comment, Managing Director Brian Swinton (42) dismissed the allegations. “It’s absolute nonsense,” he said, carefully adjusting a framed photo of Barbra Streisand on the centre of his desk. “The people at this company are professional, productive and honest. It is a sad day when reporters come sniffing around good, hard-working folk digging for dirt. Well you can dig all you like, you won’t find a shred of scandal here – my staff are the very model of integrity.”
“By the way,” he added, leaning in conspiratorially, “did you know our new Sales manager used to be a stripper at Spearmint Rhino?”
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