London -- Police are bracing themselves for a big shift in public order offences over the next few weeks, as the Rugby World Cup hots up.
Council estate ASBO kids and knife-wielding hoodies will no longer be the focus, as the authorities instead concentrate on controlling inebriated, public school educated City-workers in vomit-strewn TM Lewin shirts parading around Kensington and Chelsea with traffic cones on their heads.
Officers have been told trouble-makers should be easy to spot. Replica England rugby shirts will be invariably tucked into jeans and worn with a brown deck shoe – probably Timberland. Accents will be clipped and voices raised to decibel level marginally higher than is tolerable. Males will be ruddy-faced and irritatingly chipper; Ladies – horsey and laden with bags from Dolce and Gabbana.
“We are already seeing a reduction in crimes traditionally perpetrated by the plebeian underclasses,” a Home Office spokesman said. “Offences like bag-snatching and common assault are down but we have witnessed a big spike in public displays of nudity and the theft of policemen’s helmets."
Casualty departments throughout the capital are cancelling all leave as they experience an unprecedented number of admissions for strained necks after over-zealous headlocks, singed pubic hair and the physical and psychological after-effects of floppy-haired young men called Toby drinking fifteen pints of Stella with their trousers round their ankles.
The recent smoking ban has also been ritually flouted with a succession of Old Etonians lighting their mates’ farts during Argentina’s opening day victory over France, and some earnest Cambridge University Arts graduates with rich ancestral heritage sucking nervously on large Cuban cigars and clutching expensive single malts as England played out a narrow victory over the USA.
“It’s quite extraordinary,” the spokesman went on. “These individuals are perfectly well behaved most of the time, but plonk them in front of a big screen and show them large men in tight shorts falling over on top of each other, and they degenerate in hoodlums. Give me the tattooed thugs who pass for football fans any day.”
Some typical rugby louts watch lots of big men falling over