Amateur Scribe

(The Original)

Product Placement

Inspired by This.

 

Exterior shot of large-ish office in an industrial estate

 

Close-up shot of the company sign outside the building – It reads “Filtr8 Ltd. - High Quality Water Coolers and Office Filtration Units”

 

Shot of loading bay where several big, burly warehousemen are lugging large water coolers about on forklift trucks. They are your typical wide-boy, blue-collar, tattooed rogues

Warehouseman 1: OH MY GOD! Did you see Big Brother last night? That gay, transvestite supermodel is SUCH a bitch!

 

Warehouseman 2: Nah mate, I’m more of a Strictly Come Dancing man…

 

Warehouseman 3 is slightly to one side engrossed in heat magazine. He suddenly interrupts his colleagues, and taps the page he is reading urgently

 

Warehousemen 3 (wide-eyed and clearly in shock): Boys – look! Says ‘ere Jordan and Peter Andre are FINISHED! Can you believe it?? I was only watching Katie and Peter – The Next Chapter last night. They seemed so in love…

 

The others gather round the magazine article and make various tutting and sighing noises as they take in the fateful news

Cooler

Warehouseman 1: Now THAT is a bona fide tragedy…

 

Warehouseman 2 (nodding solemnly): It’s the kids I feel sorry for. Apparently that poor little fat one – Dwight Yorke’s kid - he was due to have liposuction in a K and P special on ITV2 in a couple of weeks. I was looking forward to that…

 

Camera pans away - leaving the loading bay - and goes inside the office building where half a dozen other employees work away in conventional office cubicles. Phones ring. There is the low hum of business activity. The camera cuts to several different people who, on the face of it are working fastidiously

 

Office Worker 1 (on phone being very polite to someone who is clearly an important client): …so that’s three eight-litre deluxe models ready for delivery next Tuesday. Yes Mr Brown, that’s correct - £250 for the lot – that includes your 30% renewal discount. That’s my pleasure, Mr Brown. Oh, by the way – did I tell you about your previous Account Manager, Chantelle? I’ve been covering her clients ever since the miscarriage? Nasty business…

 

Cut to two more workers sitting in a side office – one is obviously a manager reprimanding his employee

 

Office Manager: …I’m not really sure what to do about this time-keeping of yours, Linda. That’s three times this week you’ve been late…

 

Linda: I know, the trains have been really bad, but I know that’s not an excuse. I’ll do better next time.

 

Office Manager: Well OK then. I don’t want to have to discipline you like I did Jeff when he started letting his alcoholism affect his work...

 

Cut to a further office worker beavering away at his computer. On the face of it he is working hard on an Excel spreadsheet, but a close-up reveals pictures of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and an elaborate chart detailing who is sleeping with who and which starlets have recently fallen out of taxis and flashed their undercarriages to waiting paparazzo

 

The camera pans along a corridor and through a set of doors into what is clearly a boardroom. There is a large oval table with lots of sharp-suited high-powered types. The CEO – a Wall Street-esque guy in red braces and slicked back hair, stands in front of a Powerpoint presentation showing typical-looking financial graphs and pie charts

CEO: …so all in all an excellent first quarter. We are up 35% year on year and the premium dehumidifying SteadyFlow units are selling like hot cakes. Everyone should give themselves a big pat on the back.

 

There is a self-congratulatory murmur from the assembled employees

 

CEO: Anyway back to Friday night. I caught Dennis from Finance with his tongue down the throat of that foxy new PA of his. What’s her name again?

 

Male Director: What – the one with the big tits? Diane something?”

 

CEO: That’s her …

 

Female Director: God she is SUCH a slut. I heard from one of the Marketing girls that she once caught crabs off a Polish lorry driver after getting bladdered at Destiny and hitching her skirt up round the back of a kebab van.

boardroom

CEO: Well good for Dennis, that’s what I say. He’s not had much luck with the ladies since old Bernie Evans shagged his wife at the last summer party. Handsome woman by all accounts, though apparently Dennis wasn’t up to much in the bedroom…

 

Dennis (reddening): I’m right here you know.

 

Fade down audio of undistinguishable gossipy banter as camera pans to large water cooler glugging in the corner

 

* * * * *

 

(Later sketch on same theme)

 

Exactly the same set-up as before, except the company sign reads: “FEMICARE Ltd. – Women’s Sanitary Products. Quality and Comfort”

 

The burly warehousemen are busy unloading industrial sized boxes of tampons from the fork-lift truck

 

 

Warehouseman 1: Ooh Kev, I’m all achy. Think I’m gonna have myself a nice long bath when I get home, then stick on my jim-jams and settle down in front of Desperate Housewives.

 

Warehouseman 2 (a massive man): Ooh, I know Jonesy. I just feel so fat today. It’s sooooo depressing. I’ve hardly eaten a thing all day – just a couple of Ryvita and some green tea for breakfast and it felt as if I put on, like, ten stone! I could murder a packet of Hobnobs…

 

Warehouseman 1: Oh Kev, you MUSTN’T. You’ll feel HORRID. Come here… big hugs.

 

The two men embrace rather charmingly in mutual understanding at each others’ pain

 

Camera cuts to the same office floor as before – it is absolutely deserted save one pimply-faced work-experience boy. Phones are going off all over the place and he looks very stressed. He answers one of the phones

 

Work Experience boy: Hello, Femicare? Er… Janet’s not here today I’m afraid. She’s off sick. No, Brian’s not in either – he’s got these really bad stomach cramps… To tell you the truth, it’s just me, Mr Brown. (Pause) Look, if you could just give me a break here – it’s my first week, I’m all alone and I just don’t think I can deal with this right now, OK?

tampax

The same boardroom as before. Same graph. Same big cheese CEO with the braces, but he has lost some of his sparkle and bullish joie de vivre. The assembled executives all look pallid and crotchety

 

CEO: …so a pretty ordinary first quarter. Come on guys - I know it’s hard, but if we all pull together, then these horrible monthly meetings will get much easier and not result in me having to DROP MY PANTS AT THE BLOODY SHAREHOLDERS MEETING! JESUS! (Composes himself, smooths tie etc). Sorry. Sorry. It’s just I get a bit…you know… emotional when I have to present these figures.

 

Many of your departments have actually done pretty well recently. Dennis – great job with Finance. Those invoicing issues seem to have sorted themselves out. Gordon – Sales are up again – Good stuff, chief. Barbara – The marketing team are behind budget, though – what’s all that about? Come on now (chuckles) - Can’t let these chaps take all the accolades! What about women’s lib, eh?

 

CEO is interrupted by an apoplectic Barbara who sends her chair flying, sprints over and floors him with a massive haymaker

 

Barbara (rubbing hand): Sexist prick.

 

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