(The Original)

Amateur Scribe

The Huck

It is not because he is ginger. I try (wherever possible) not to be prejudiced against afflictions beyond people’s control. I also have strange and overpowering lustful feelings for Miranda Richardson as Queen Elizabeth in Blackadder.

It is not because he is a Manc. I was actually born just outside Manchester and have nothing but admiration for its thriving music scene and cultural diversity.

It is not even his brand of turgid, soulless pop that inexplicably captivates billions (including England footballers, it seems*). He has found his market and made his money – Good for him.

No, what really bugs me about Hucknall is his persistent, insatiable and very public appetite for shagging the most beautiful women in the world. Have you ever flicked casually through a glossy Cosmo-esque magazine, stopped at the sex survey, done some frantic (and largely fictional) mathematics and glumly concluded that somebody, somewhere must be getting your share? I have. Mystery solved folks: It’s Mick fucking Hucknall.

I consider myself to be no better than average looking, but, let’s face it: Hucknall is an ugly man. Straggly ginger hair that looks like it hasn’t been washed since the “New Flame” album; Sparse goatee (also ginger); Gold tooth that draws attention to a smug, self-satisfied grin; a face that grows ever more pasty and bloated from over-indulgence and a paunch that is the envy of real ale aficionados the length and breadth of Britain.

Yet not a week goes by without the News of the World breathlessly exclaiming in a “World Exclusive” that Mick has been diddling another Brazilian supermodel. There are the obligatory long-lens photos of the ginger one nonchalantly rubbing suntan lotion into another pair of pert, gravity-defying breasts coupled with snaps of the man himself frolicking in the sea, flabby belly and ill-conceived speedos jiggling disturbingly. Gallingly, the accompanying story is often cringingly complimentary about his sexual prowess:

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