(The Original)

Amateur Scribe

MC Jazzy Jeff - Sky Sports' Stelling Moves Into The Weddings Game

Any excuse to recycle old material… Here is news that the indomitable Jeff Stelling ruled the roost over the PFA awards dinner the other night. It reminded me of a piece I wrote for the Onion Bag some time ago, which I republish now in the absence of any more meaningful update. It sank without trace at the time, and I hold little hope for it this time around, but I am rather fond of it. So there.


"Hello, is it me you're looking for? I'm being well treated, just... please... give them what they want so I can see my family again..."


At 4.45, with the final scores coming in, Stelling began to build to one of his famous crescendos, expertly cutting to Merson over at the bar who was regaling drunken uncles with rehab stories, pausing to inform guests how many large vodka tonics the former Arsenal midfielder had been imbibed, before going back to Le Tissier for an update on the punch-up that had broken out between Matthews and his Best Man.

Within seconds though, Stelling was interrupting in that familiar firm yet ultra-polite manner of his, finger almost imperceptibly raised to his earpiece, as it emerged an over-excited usher was about to reach third base with one of the sluttier bridesmaids over by the ice sculpture.

“Kind of reminds me of Kieron Dyer at a training camp in Aia Napa," Stelling confided, arching an eyebrow and allowing himself a wry smile before handing over to Frank McLintock at the buffet table where the groom’s mother was gorging on the nibbles. “Seven vol au vents for Mrs. Matthews so far today – that’s the most she’s scoffed since cousin Brian’s wedding to Lydia in 1997,” Stelling mused, betraying his mind-boggling gift for data-retention.

As final whistles were going off all over the country, Stelling just had time to thank all his guests before presiding over the cutting of the cake and handing over to Martin Tyler and Andy Gray in the DJ booth who had been brought in as last minute replacements for Disco Dave and his Wheels of Steel.


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