NEWCASTLE, ENGLAND -- He plays for the Premiership’s number one party club, but today we can exclusively reveal that Newcastle United captain Alan Shearer is a sissy homebody who can no longer command respect in the team dressing room.
A club insider said last night that tensions have been mounting since Shearer missed key team-building roasting sessions, and eschewed the recent annual Newcastle United Coke and Hookers evening in favour of a “nice cup of tea and a video with the missus.” When questioned about his antics the next day, Shearer further blotted his copybook by revealing that the video in question was “some rom-com starring Freddie Prinze Jr.”. “It wasn’t even amateur home-made porn,” the source added shaking his head.
This is not the first time the former England striker has raised eyebrows over his questionable commitment to his profession. Many of his team mates have expressed frustration over his loving, stable relationship with wife Lainya and their three children.
One Newcastle colleague who wished to remain nameless was particularly concerned: “Alan met his wife when he was seventeen. He sure as hell isn’t interested in fooling around so that means only one woman popping his cork for the entire duration of his career. Man, that’s just not natural.”
The animosity towards Shearer reached boiling point when he refused to lick whipped cream off a stripper’s nipples during a party to celebrate his 34th birthday. Indeed, that very incident coupled with his overall state of sobriety and subsequent early departure from the event at a vodka bar in Newcastle city centre galvanised his dissatisfied co-workers into action.
Our insider has provided us with a detailed dossier on Shearer the key points of which are detailed below. “It’s not that we don’t like the bloke,” the source said as he handed over the damning document, “but enough’s enough. He is sullying the reputation of this club, and we can’t let that happen.”
The dossier makes shocking reading. It provides irrefutable evidence that Shearer:
GRASSED UP defender Jonathan Woodgate to manager Sir Bobby Robson after catching him smoking a crafty fag during a break in training.
Let it slip to colleagues that he frequently IRONED his own Newcastle United polo shirts and Topman leisurewear.
LOBBIED bosses for pot-pourri and air-freshening products to be installed in the changing rooms to make them “more homely”.
TUTTED and muttered under his breath whenever a team mate was implicated in any impropriety by the tabloid press.
TURNED DOWN the prospect of some “guaranteed three-way action” with notorious football groupies Alicia Duvall and Jodie Marsh after a night out at London night-club China White as he had “a long drive home and a big game at the weekend.”
When we approached Shearer with our findings at his home, he was busy doing some weeding, but once he saw the gravity of the allegations, he broke down and confessed all.
“It’s all true,” he snivelled, inviting our reporter into his smart but unassuming living room, and despatching a worried but ever-dutiful Lainya to the kitchen for some tea and jaffa-cakes. “I’m a complete fraud.”
“My whole career I’ve struggled to fit in. Back at Southampton as a kid learning my trade, I bought some jewellery and baggy jeans and listened to rap music, but it just didn’t feel right. I was far more comfortable in my tracksuit with old Rod (Stewart) on the stereo.”
“As I’ve got older, I’ve tried even harder. I’d never even heard of dogging when the whole Stan Collymore thing broke – I suppose the closest I came to that was when I used to take (Yorkshire Terrier) Uncle Bobby out for a walk. Still, I was so desperate, I would have tried anything but when I tentatively broached the subject with the missus, she went ballistic and I spent a week in the spare room.”
“It’s the younger lads I feel sorry for. I look at Kieron (Dyer) and Jermaine (Jenas) and I think they should be looking up to me – I should be a role model and show them what being a professional footballer’s all about, but when I try to talk to them about the important things like sound financial management and giving 100% in training, they just look at me blankly. I’m always catching them snickering behind my back and spray-painting phalluses on my car. It’s obvious they don’t respect me. I feel like I’ve let everybody down.”
Shearer was spared further embarrassment when Lainya intervened and gently ushered him into the kitchen to assist her with the washing-up.
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