(The Original)

Amateur Scribe

Soccer Star Shearer in Monogamy Shame

The dossier makes shocking reading. It provides irrefutable evidence that Shearer:

  • GRASSED UP defender Jonathan Woodgate to manager Sir Bobby Robson after catching him smoking a crafty fag during a break in training.
  • Let it slip to colleagues that he frequently IRONED his own Newcastle United polo shirts and Topman leisurewear.
  • LOBBIED bosses for pot-pourri and air-freshening products to be installed in the changing rooms to make them “more homely”.
  • TUTTED and muttered under his breath whenever a team mate was implicated in any impropriety by the tabloid press.
  • TURNED DOWN the prospect of some “guaranteed three-way action” with notorious football groupies Alicia Duvall and Jodie Marsh after a night out at London night-club China White as he had “a long drive home and a big game at the weekend.”

Shearer: Big girl's blouse

When we approached Shearer with our findings at his home, he was busy doing some weeding, but once he saw the gravity of the allegations, he broke down and confessed all.

“It’s all true,” he snivelled, inviting our reporter into his smart but unassuming living room, and despatching a worried but ever-dutiful Lainya to the kitchen for some tea and jaffa-cakes. “I’m a complete fraud.”

“My whole career I’ve struggled to fit in. Back at Southampton as a kid learning my trade, I bought some jewellery and baggy jeans and listened to rap music, but it just didn’t feel right. I was far more comfortable in my tracksuit with old Rod (Stewart) on the stereo.”

“As I’ve got older, I’ve tried even harder. I’d never even heard of dogging when the whole Stan Collymore thing broke – I suppose the closest I came to that was when I used to take (Yorkshire Terrier) Uncle Bobby out for a walk. Still, I was so desperate, I would have tried anything but when I tentatively broached the subject with the missus, she went ballistic and I spent a week in the spare room.”

“It’s the younger lads I feel sorry for. I look at Kieron (Dyer) and Jermaine (Jenas) and I think they should be looking up to me – I should be a role model and show them what being a professional footballer’s all about, but when I try to talk to them about the important things like sound financial management and giving 100% in training, they just look at me blankly. I’m always catching them snickering behind my back and spray-painting phalluses on my car. It’s obvious they don’t respect me. I feel like I’ve let everybody down.”

Shearer was spared further embarrassment when Lainya intervened and gently ushered him into the kitchen to assist her with the washing-up.

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