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Obviously, were I a successful professional writer, a world-renowned wit, or even a marginally recognisable literary figure with a regular slot on the Late Review talking about Richard Curtis films with Germaine Greer, then this would be where I introduce myself, wheel out a smug catalogue of my past achievements and post a glossy black and white headshot of me staring wistfully into the
middle distance. As it is, I am heartbreakingly unknown, unpublished and, crucially, unphotogenic, so I have, instead, commissioned my three-year-old half-brother Joel to do my portrait.
The Author (not actual size)
Follow the fortunes of the best Sunday cricket team in the country to be named after a BBC2 finance-based current affairs show (though those bastards over at Working Lunch are running us close - that Adrian Chiles knows how to wield the willow, I can tell you...)
Scores, match reports and player profiles mingle delectably with more geeky stats than you can shake a stick at.
I think you will agree he has done a bang up job – there is enough mystery about the picture to shroud me in a comfortable ambiguity - even to protect my identity completely – and yet, somehow, he has managed to capture me perfectly: The neurosis, the anguish of a bitter, indecisive soul, the streaky turquoise shins... In many ways, it's like looking in the mirror.
(apart, of course, from the odd photo "borrowed" off the web...)
Ever logged on to Amateur Scribe and been confronted with the same old rubbish that's been up there for weeks? Annoying, isn't it? Well stay calm. Simply send me your email address and every time the site gets updated you'll be instantly notified in the form of a hastily cobbled together email alert. You never need miss a poorly constructed, woefully under-researched satirical news story again...
The views expressed on this site represent the opinions of the author only and are in no way rooted in fact or even hearsay. No offence is intended and any nastiness directed towards celebrities (or indeed Sue Barker) is purely in jest.
Park the bus, Big Sam,
Park the bus
Guy Ritchie has delayed post-production on his latest movie and ordered a series of last-minute rewrites to the as-yet-untitled period drama.
The Jimmy Savile Panorama programme was little more than a classic hatchet job on the hapless editor of Newsnight.