(The Original)

Amateur Scribe

leo sayer

"Could somebody pass me a screwdriver?"

Members of his doting harem jostled cattily for position as they bade him farewell - A bitch fight over who got to light up the Faceman's victory cigar broke out between pikey "Beauty Queen" Danielle Lloyd and the one who looks like a builder out of S Club 7, while a smouldering Cleo Rocos draped one of her generously proportioned bras lovingly over his shoulders as something to remember her by.

Despite his housemates' desperate protestations and a tearful temper tantrum from veteran film director Ken Russell begging him to stay, Benedict had clearly made up his mind. "It's been emotional," he said to his newfound friends, "but it's time I was outta here."

Moments later, the ageing lothario burst through the perimeter fence, firing water bombs at the hapless security guards from his makeshift grenade-launcher. Once safely in the confines of the Big Brother studio, Benedict paused for a lengthy closed-mouth snog with Davina McCall before greeting the camera with a wry wink. "I love it when a plan comes together!"


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