BOREHAMWOOD, ENGLAND --
TV star and ladies man Dirk Benedict was sensationally liberated from the Big Brother house last night after fashioning an escape vehicle from the everyday detritus he found lying around.
No stranger to using his initiative to get himself out of tight squeezes, the erstwhile A-Team smoothie hatched his ingenious plan after spotting a rusty old tractor at the end of the garden. He then spent the next four hours collecting an assortment of handy bits and pieces: a length of hose here, some tin foil there - the weapons-grade plutonium that had been carelessly left lying around the Diary Room was, admittedly, a god-send.
Once he had everything he needed, Benedict set about building a crude flame-throwing tank using some welding equipment he had luckily brought with him in his suitcase and a Black and Decker Workmate smuggled in by H out of Steps. His housemates were happy to assist: Most of the hard labour was carried out by Jermaine Jackson and Leo Sayer while rock weirdo Donny Tourette made the tea.
Members of his doting harem jostled cattily for position as they bade him farewell - A bitch fight over who got to light up the Faceman's victory cigar broke out between pikey "Beauty Queen" Danielle Lloyd and the one who looks like a builder out of S Club 7, while a smouldering Cleo Rocos draped one of her generously proportioned bras lovingly over his shoulders as something to remember her by.
Despite his housemates' desperate protestations and a tearful temper tantrum from veteran film director Ken Russell begging him to stay, Benedict had clearly made up his mind. "It's been emotional," he said to his newfound friends, "but it's time I was outta here."
Moments later, the ageing lothario burst through the perimeter fence, firing water bombs at the hapless security guards from his makeshift grenade-launcher. Once safely in the confines of the Big Brother studio, Benedict paused for a lengthy closed-mouth snog with Davina McCall before greeting the camera with a wry wink. "I love it when a plan comes together!"
"Could somebody pass me a screwdriver?"