(The Original)

Amateur Scribe

NB. Deal or No Deal has made this piece largely redundant. The twat part it, however, remains pertinent. Newsworthy, even.

Noel Edmonds Still a Twat

Edmonds

Edmonds and Blobby in

more prominent times

EXMOOR, ENGLAND --

After years in the celebrity wilderness, we can exclusively reveal that smug, bouffant-haired has-been Noel Edmonds is still a complete twat.

The news was announced yesterday by TV viewer Darren Roach, 27, who had just watched a rare appearance by the bearded presenter.

“I was a bit bored as there was nothing on the box last night,” Roach told reporters, “so I had an idle flick around and I stumbled upon that new Sky show Dude, Where’s My Career? – you know, that one where washed up stars degrade themselves in a futile attempt to drum up some media exposure?”

“Anyway, it turns out Edmonds was one of the contestants. The set-up was a kind of mock game-show – some wag had even included a gunge tank - and whenever a celebrity answered a question correctly, they got to plug their latest project. If they got a question wrong they got gunged.”

“Great, I thought – I’d love to see him get a taste of his own medicine. I’d always thought Edmonds was a bit of a cock – and that goes double for Mr. Fucking Blobby. Still, I’ve moved on, and I thought he probably had too – here was a chance for him to show some humility and send himself up a bit.”

“Not a bit of it. The tosser played it straight the whole time. He answered all the questions dead-pan and used up all the time to drone on about his new autobiography and DVD. What a dick.”

“He should have taken a leaf out of Keith Harris’s book,” Roach continued. “He at least had the good grace to show some honest self-deprecation and flail manically around in all the gunk with that ridiculous green bird on his arm. I respect him all the more for that.”

Edmonds’s appearance on the show is even more surprising considering his business acumen since losing fame has seen him become a millionaire many times over. It seems, however, the lure of more publicity has proved hard to resist for the former host of popular BBC shows The Late, Late Breakfast Show and Noel’s House Party.

We approached Edmonds for a comment at his luxury mansion expecting perhaps a cheerful rebuttal of the allegations or maybe another plug of his upcoming showbiz projects. What we got instead was a firm and unambiguous “Get off my fucking land or I’ll set the dogs on you.”

When we told Roach of Edmonds’s reaction, he was unmoved. “That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest,” he said, shrugging. “If you turn up on his doorstep and you’re not Vicki Michelle, Lesley Joseph or an actor out of The Bill then he doesn’t want to know.”

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