LEEDS, ENGLAND -- While speculation continues as to who will replace Desmond Lynam when he quits the Countdown hot seat later this year, the smooth-talking presenter today revealed his reasons for leaving the show.
Rather than pursuing his television career, Lynam has decided to live out the rest of his days as a reclusive dandy in a mansion set deep in the Surrey countryside tended by an all-female harem of groomers, personal assistants and hand-maidens. Work has already begun on the multi-million pound stately pile, (provisionally named “Mottyville”) in a top-secret location, and it is expected to be ready by Christmas.
“I was talking to (Hugh) Hef(ner) at a function the other evening – he’s a big Countdown fan,” the former Grandstand man told us. “‘Des,’ he said to me over a couple of late night Montecristos, ‘you’re a handsome, mature fellow with a twinkle in your eye. Why on earth waste your golden years pandering to autocues and poorly scripted chats with Rick Wakeman and Giles Brandreth when you could be sipping champagne in a hot-tub with a dozen bunny-girls?’”
Despite Hefner’s penchant for young, generously-chested blondes, Lynam insisted his hiring policy would be non-discriminatory, though he did admit a fondness for “ladies of a certain age”: “Older women are far less bothersome,” he confided. “They’re calmer, have fewer tantrums and are generally keep things spick and span – plus, in my experience, they don’t half know their way around the bedroom – if you catch my drift.”
Lynam arched an eyebrow and turned to face our cameraman. “Nice,” he continued, with a trademark wink.
In another move away from traditional Playboy behaviour, Des pledged to keep his staff away from the public eye by avoiding red carpet appearances flanked by pouting, jewellery-laden flunkies. Instead, Mottyville employees will wear comfy cardigans, make copious mugs of tea and hand out hobnobs as Des strolls around the grounds in a monogrammed bathrobe and fluffy slippers.
Lynam refused to confirm if Carol Vorderman had been invited for an interview, but he did let slip that one elite “Playmate” will be hired specifically for key duties such as ego-massaging, pillow-plumping and moustache maintenance at which point Ladbrokes immediately installed brainbox Countdown colleague Carol as even-money favourite.