(The Original)

Amateur Scribe

Fighting Talk - Dave and Gordo Get Personal

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):

Mr Speaker. Does the Prime Minister acknowledge that his idea of raising the threshold of inheritance tax flagrantly plagiarises the Conservatives? And will he apologise to the House for my Honourable Friend the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s blatant attempt to hoodwink the British public into believing this Government is capable of a single original policy?

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
I will take no lectures from the Leader of the Opposition. He is a curious bundle of contradictions. He was for VAT on air fares and then against it. He was for parking charges and then against them. He was for museum charges and then against them. More pertinently, he is a glib, public school tosser.

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
Whatever, fatty. And this business with the early General Election? Bit of balls-up, wasn’t it? Why, he must be the first Prime Minister in history to flunk an election because he was going to win it! (Turns triumphantly and high-fives George Osborn). Why don’t you just admit you’re nothing but a phoney and we can all go home and watch Midsomer Murders.

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister)
I’m a phoney?? This from a man who is about as sincere as a Jimmy Carr eulogy at Bernard Manning’s funeral.

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
Not only are you a phoney, but you are a fat, sweaty liar as well. And your face looks like a squashed arse with nostrils.

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
Mr Speaker – personal insults have no place in this chamber – My Honourable Friend has revealed himself to be nothing more than a floppy-haired dandy on a power-trip. A cocky city boy who claims to have his finger on the pulse. Hug a Hoodie? You’d fellate a vagrant if you thought it would get you a couple more votes…

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
And this from a Neanderthal, lurching gorilla-man with all the elegance and grace of a mountain silverback.

Brown tries to respond but the Conservative benches are roaring in derision and their leader is scratching his armpits and making monkey noises while lolloping across the chamber

Michael Martin (Speaker):
Order! This House will not descend into anarchy! Question from Simon Hughes.

Simon Hughes (North Southwark & Bermondsey):
Prime Minister. Ten years after claiming to be tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime, this Labour Government now presides over a country gripped by street crime and gang warfare. What are you going to do about it?

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
Oh put a sock in it, fag-boy. No-one cares about your prissy opinion.

Michael Martin (Speaker):
Good point. Question from Ann Widdecombe.

Ann Widdecombe (Maidstone & The Weald):
I’d like to know what the Prime Minister is going to do about the glass ceiling that still exists in industry in this country. How can successful, intelligent women break through this to achieve parity with their oafish male counterparts?

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
(Jumping up) Don’t worry, Gordy – I’ve got this one. Mr Speaker, do not expect the Prime Minister to have the faintest idea about sexual equality. His idea of a strong modern woman is Margaret Thatcher and she’s practically dead! Look at his choice of wife: mumsy, frumpy – Norma Major Part Two – This Time I’ve Got My Apron On and I’m About To Whip Up a Lovely Bunch of Flapjacks? Give me strength. My missus has got a TATTOO for Christ’s sake! This electorate is sick of dreary politics. Sick of dour, penny-pinching Jocks telling them what they can and can’t do…

Entire Shadow Cabinet:
Hear Hear!

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
(Warming to task) …This electorate wants a good time! It wants sex and intrigue and all night raves! It is a country that has had enough of strait-laced pen-pushers in the corridors of power – The Conservatives vow to put the Party back into Party Politics. Vote for me and I’ll give you a PM with a decent haircut and a First Lady whose ass won’t quit!

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
(Blood boiling) I’m warning you, Sonny Jim – mention my wife one more time and I’ll ram my fist so far down your gob …

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative): 
Here he goes again with his hulking strong-arm tactics and physical threats. Nobody likes a bully-boy, deary – the kids aren’t down with that. Speaking of which - what’s on your iPod, Granddad? Bing Crosby? Nat King Cole? James Blunt? Come back and see me when you’ve been backstage at a Killers gig and we’ll talk then. Mr Speaker – has the Prime Minister got the FIRST CLUE about modern Britain? I think not. One more question, Mr S, then I’ve gotta run. Going to the gym to do some cardio and then I’ve got a drinks thing with Snoop Dog at Paper. No doubt the PM will be shuffling off to Number 10 for a glass of milk and a game of Rummy with Peter Hain. My question, Gordy, is this: Why do you even bother?

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
Mr. Speaker, I will not dignify that with an answer. In all my years in politics, I have never seen anyone as absurd as the Leader of the Opposition. Here is a spoilt little rich boy who purports to be a “man-of-the-people”. And now he expects some two-bit, schoolyard character assassination to make up for his weak policies and staggering lack of intelligence.

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
At least I don’t need my Mum to buy my suits for me. (Grasps lapel on his jacket) Saville Row, mate. Bespoke.

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
(Shaking head): Cretin.

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
Dullard

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
Deluded, simpering imbecile.

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
Grumpy, hairy-backed dork.

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
Pompous no-mark Walter Mitty.

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
(After dramatic pause): Blair wannabe.

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
(Apoplectic with rage): Say that again, I day you!

Cameron strikes ridiculous faux-gangsta “talk to the hand” pose.

Gordon Brown (Prime Minister):
(moving menacingly into the centre of the chamber): I will crush you, you snivelling excuse for a man…

Further insults are drowned out in the ensuing free-for-all as members from both parties spill out onto the floor and begin knocking seven bells out of each other. Boris Johnson gets Alistair Darling in a headlock and starts ruffling his hair up, while Jacqui Smith and David Miliband team up to clothes-line David Davis as he tries to bring down their feted leader. The Lib-Dems, unsure of which side to back, end up scuffling between themselves, and Cameron’s attempt to apportion a crafty nipple-cripple to Ming Campbell is thwarted comprehensively as he is sat on by John Prescott.

Michael Martin (Speaker):
(Hammering gavel feverishly until there is some semblance of hush): Order! ORDER! And that concludes today’s Prime Minister’s Questions.

David Cameron (Witney, Conservative):
(Muffled from beneath the former Deputy Prime Minister): Pint, anyone?

cameron small
brown small
cameron small
brown small
cameron small
brown small
cameron small
speaker
hughes small
brown small
speaker
widdecombe
cameron small
cameron small
brown small
cameron small
brown small
cameron small
brown small

You are viewing the text version of this site.

To view the full version please install the Adobe Flash Player and ensure your web browser has JavaScript enabled.

Need help? check the requirements page.


Get Flash Player