(The Original)

Amateur Scribe

Content Caution: This piece is very sweary

Beat the Panel


Note: There haven’t been many new pieces posted recently – but I wanted to make sure I found a worthy story to talk about. Something topical. Something meaningful and important that will challenge the way people think. I’m aware that all too often I slip into lazy celebrity parody – and that’s the last thing I wanted to do here.


Angelica: I’ll take it to the dry-cleaners…

Simon: …and the grand judging panel – see if Paxman will do it. Failing that, Trevor McDonald – we need the damn gravitas. ITV viewers may have the brains of amoebas, but they hang on every word that imbecile says – that way they can read the Daily Mail without thinking they’re hateful Nazi simpletons.

And we need some washed-up entertainment veteran, plus a joker-in-the-pack to round things off. Let’s think… (Strokes chin)  Les Dennis? Would be great for the tension with Amanda… Timmy Mallet? Bob Carolgees? No, no, no! Think man, THINK….

Pauses dramatically then slaps forehead in disbelief at his own genius

Simon: Michael. Barrymore. Murder. Intrigue. Sexual ambiguity. Can’t see HIM showing any favouritism towards Piers Morgan…

Now. Who to present? Thornton’s just popped a sprog, and I’m not putting something this big in the slippery hands of Ryan Seacrest, the oily git.

It really has to be Ant and Dec. Not only are they the most beloved auto-cue monkeys in ITV history, but they make me look taller too. They should also be able to rig the public vote to make sure I win…

SIMON sits back down and stretches out luxuriously

Well this has been a very productive brainstorming session – well done sweetheart. Now – get me a large glass of Cristal and Michael Grade on the blower…

July 2008


Our Judges?

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