Amateur Scribe

(The Original)

BBC Exchange Scheme

NB. This will only work if performed by decent impressionists. Perhaps this lot might be free??

 

 

One of those weird BBC TV idents with the hippos - or the wheelchair basketballers...

Announcer: Now on BBC2, Newsnight, and, in an attempt to justify the license fee and get value for money on our increasingly pampered and bloated workforce, we are in the middle of a strict budget-slashing, cross-training programme. Tonight’s edition will be presented by Richard McCourt and Dominic Wood.

 

Titles – Da dah, da da da DAAAAAH, di di di dee dee… etc.

 

The lights go up on the familiar studio scene. Dick and Dom are dressed to parody serious newscasters, with suits, wigs and over-sized glasses.

 

Dick (shuffling notes ostentatiously): Good evening. Tonight we focus on all the main stories of the day. War, the crippled economy, street crime…But most importantly…. Drum roll please…

 

Both presenters hammer on the desk urgently before Dick raises his finger to his nostril and has a good rummage around. Eventually he wiggles his finger triumphantly at the camera

 

Dick: BOGIES!! Wa-hey!!! Welcome everybody! Hi Dom.

 

Dom: Dick, me old mucker!

 

Dick: First things first – we have a guest in da house!

 

There is whooping from both Dick and Dom, and well as several production staff off camera

 

Dick: He’s brainy! He’s zany! He… looks a bit like a badger! It’s… (dramatic pause) … Alistair Darling!!

 

The Chancellor trots in awkwardly from stage left as Dick and Dom blow plastic trumpets in an absurd fanfare. As he takes his seat a large farting noise is emitted from a secretly stashed whoopee cushion. Dick and Dom cheer raucously and high-five. The Chancellor smiles thinly

 

Dom: Oops! Pardon?! Now then, Chancellor. Nationalised banks, slashed interest rates, the pound in a record low against the dollar – how on earth are we going to lift the gloom?

 

Darling: Well Dominic, let me first say this: The government is committed to making the pound in your pocket go further. We have taken giant strides to alleviate the strain on homeowners by cutting interest rates, and I truly believe we have turned the corner in this recession…

 

The Chancellor is interrupted by a shrill alarm sounding, bells ringing and sirens flashing around the studio. Dick and Dom both make noises like the buzzer going off on Family Fortunes

 

Dick: Oh dear Dom!

 

Dom: Oh dear, oh dear!

 

Darling looks a little flummoxed

 

Dick: I’m afraid you just said the secret word of the day which is… RECESSION!!

 

The word “Recession” flashes up on big screens all over the studio. Dick and Dom high-five. Again. Close-up on the Chancellor as he is sprayed with gunge from above. Rendered speechless, he removes his spectacles and slowly shakes off the acrid gunk

 

Dick: Alistair Darling – thankyou very much.

 

Dom (serious suddenly): And now for our special report. Fearne Cotton is in the Democratic Republic of Congo and has witnessed first-hand the appalling atrocities, the genocide and the tragic human cost of this terrible conflict.

 

Fearne: WOW! It’s, like, ALL kicking off here …

 

 

* * * * *

 

dick_and_dom paxman

Announcer: In an hour, Peter Sissons dons his wellies to bring you highlights from the Glastonbury Festival, and after that, it’s a very special Question Time with guest host Dot Cotton out of Eastenders. But first… It’s Friday night and the stars have come out to play…

 

Titles to “Friday Night With Jonathan Ross”. Wild applause and whooping from studio audience. As lights come up, we see that the host is actually Jeremy Paxman

 

His entire opening monologue is delivered in that familiar sarcastic sneer, with frequent eyebrow-raising and the occasional tut as if he can’t believe he has been lumbered with such a trite script and inane guests

 

Paxman: Good evening. I must apologise in advance for the lack of smutty innuendo and pointless confessional anecdotes that traditionally accompany this programme. Unlike my predecessor, I believe it is possible to present a primetime BBC chat show without mentioning my wife’s breasts or the amusing time I singed my pubic hair whilst tooling around in the back garden with Jack Dee, a box of matches and some Lynx body spray.

So if I may, I will crack straight on and introduce my guests.

 

I must say, it really is a terrific Green Room tonight, ladies and gentlemen. In all my years of broadcasting, I’ve never seen a finer selection of A-list talent.

 

Paxman pauses for a moment and gives an almost imperceptible snort. The camera cuts to the green room where Ricky Gervais sits looking relaxed and smug – primed to participate in the usual witty repartee he enjoys with Ross

 

Paxman (v/o): First of all we have the ubiquitous Ricky Gervais, the portly comedian who brought us such gems as Night at the Museum and the refreshingly chortle-free Extras. He will be joining me on the sofa where I will indulge him in some nauseating “banter” and ego-massaging while he prattles on about his latest hideously self-indulgent movie role.

 

Gervais’ shit-eating grin remains frozen in place but the swagger is gone. The camera pans across to a hot-looking blonde

 

 

Paxman (v/o): Scarlett Johansson is up next - A Hollywood actress, who, let’s face it, is hardly Katherine Hepburn, though I will grudgingly concede she does have a rather splendid pair of tits.

 

Johansson is clearly miffed and looks desperately off-camera as if to remonstrate with a producer or agent. The camera moves once more and rests on a rake thin middle-aged fellow with a troubled expression

 

Paxman (v/o): And finally Michael Barrymore. A man who has had his fair share of controversy over the years what with the drugs, sham marriage, public “outing”, descent into alcoholism and pitiful TV appearances to re-engage a long since departed audience. I look forward to pumping him for information as rigorously as those paramedics doing CPR on the deceased homosexual by his swimming pool.

 

Camera cuts back to Jeremy

 

More pertinently, here is a gentleman who no doubt booked this appearance long before he realised it would be yours truly asking the questions while Jonathan Ross films that eagerly-anticipated Spooks cameo. Sorry about that, Mr Barrymore. Them’s the breaks.

 

And so, rather fittingly, to our house band, Four Poofs and a Piano

 

The lads perform a little introductory ditty – perhaps the theme tune to Strike it Lucky?

 

Paxman (off camera aside as the band finishes): 18 million? Seriously?? I need to speak to my agent…

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